Sometimes we think we are longing for love, but if we look a little deeper, we may discover that what our hearts are really asking for is safety.
We imagine romance as the answer. We picture the person who will choose us, understand us, reassure us, and make life feel a little less heavy. We think, “If I just had someone, I would finally feel okay.” But sometimes the longing is not actually for romance. I feel sometimes it is for the feeling we associate with romance. The feeling of being seen. The feeling of being wanted. The feeling of having somewhere to rest. The feeling that, for once, we don’t have to carry everything all by ourselves. That kind of feeling.
And because romantic relationships often come with those things, it can be easy to confuse the two. We can mistake the desire for emotional safety as a desire for a specific person. We can think, “I miss them,” when what we really miss is how we felt around them. Maybe we felt noticed. Maybe we felt important or Maybe their presence temporarily quieted the fears we were carrying.
But the question we have to ask ourselves is:
Do I want this relationship? or do I want the comfort I associate with the feeling that comes with it? Because there is a difference.
Sometimes loneliness can make us reach for connections that feel like relief, even when they are not necessarily what is best for us. When our hearts are tired, any place that offers comfort can feel like home. One thing we should know is, not everything that gives us temporary peace is meant to become our permanent place of rest. The truth is, a relationship can be a beautiful gift, but it was never designed to carry the full weight of our identity, our healing or even our security. No person, no matter how wonderful they may be, can constantly fill every empty space within us. And maybe that is why some relationships feel so heavy, because we are not only asking someone to love us, we are quietly asking them to prove that we are worthy of love. We are asking them to heal wounds they did not create. We are asking them to become our safety when we have not yet learned where true safety comes from.
“Rest in God alone, my soul, for my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I will not be shaken. My salvation and glory depend on God, my strong rock. My refuge is in God. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before him. God is our refuge. Selah” Psalms 62:5-8 (CSB) – This particular scripture reminds us that the kind of safety our hearts are searching for is ultimately found in God. It describes Him as our refuge, the One in whom our souls find rest. Now that doesn’t mean people don’t matter or that relationships aren’t gifts, it simply means no human being was created to carry the weight that only God can bear.
This does not mean we should stop desiring love. Wanting companionship is not a weakness. Wanting to be loved is part of being human, but there is a difference between entering love because we are whole and entering love because we are hoping someone will make us whole; One comes from abundance. The other comes from emptiness. A healthy love does not become the place where we finally discover our worth. It becomes a place where two people who already know they are valuable get to share life together.
Maybe the question is not only, “Who will love me?”
Maybe it is also: “What part of me is searching for safety, and how can I care for that part before I ask someone else to?”
Because sometimes the greatest clarity comes when we stop chasing the feeling of being chosen and start learning what it means to already be held by God, by community and by the person we are becoming, so that when love does come, we won’t be looking for someone to rescue us; We’ll be actually ready to walk beside someone.
Madalitso Mbao.
